It’s Been a Year

It’s been a year since I threw my life out the window.

It’s been a year since I let my emotions take control of me for the first time.

It’s been a year since I realized how messed up I truly was.

It’s been a year since I ruined the friendship that meant so much to me.

It’s been a year since I drove myself insane in a matter of a few hours trying to hold onto what I already messed up.

It’s been a year since I let one incident lead me to a life of confusion and chaos.

It’s been a year since I lost one of my closest friends.

It’s been a year since I was the stupidest person I can ever imagine myself to become.

It’s been a year and I still regret every last thing I did, said and felt.

I was flat out being an idiot to throw away something that was so beneficial in my life. I let depression take control of me that night and released it to the one person who was there to listen. I let my emotions out in the open and let them drive me to a state of denial, confusion and overwhelming control. There was no way that I could spend today purely rejoicing in the birth of Jesus Christ or the time surrounded by family. The events of a year ago were in the back of my brain the entire time. And then for my dad to have the nerve to “diagnose” me with Seasonal Affective Disorder at the dinner table threw me over the edge once again. My parents may not know what a depressed individual they have for a daughter but they surely have raised one who is good at faking, sneaking and lying to pretend that she’s happy around them…
I don’t have the nerve that I did last spring but today I found other means to punish myself. I know that tomorrow I will awake feeling absolutely awful about my body and feel sore from the foods I ate today but that was my way of punishing myself for my actions from a year ago. I wish it were a merrier Christmas this year but things happen and life must go on.

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