I Let Food Control My Night

Today was supposed to be a good day. And it started off as such. But so quickly turned bad. It went a little like this:

I got to sleep in for the first time in what feels like ages

I ate a wonderful and filling breakfast

I worked on some scholarship essays

I ate a wonderful lunch

I ran to my favorite store (TARGET!!) for a few things

I got to go play with my favorite neighbors for a little while (best moment of the day!)

I got all dolled up to go to dinner at my director’s house with the other MBT cast members

I felt pretty while making the snowy drive out to her house

I took off my coat once I got there and instantly started comparing myself to others

I tried to adjust my tights to cover my obnoxiously large stomach bulge

I tried to change the orientation of my belt to not accentuate my hips

I felt uncomfortable

I felt fat

I felt like I took up too much space

I covered my stomach with my arms

We got food

I barely took any

I ate the food (which was delicious) but felt bad while doing so

I barely conversed with anyone

I felt awkward

I felt like the one person who didn’t have a friend sitting around the table

I felt strange with the group of people that I spend so much time with

It was time for dessert and I was debating on whether or not to say “no thank you”

I accepted as the nice thing to do

I ate slowly and left some on my plate

I felt even larger than before

Back into the cars we all went

Drove to the choir concert

Enjoyed the concert with my coat on, covering my stomach, felt a little better

Finished the concert still feeling overweight and huge

Drove home on the snow covered roads

Finished my essays

Sitting here with my stomach growling but knowing that I should not eat any more food.

I am tired of feeling this way but I am also sick and tired of being fat and uncomfortable in my skin. I wish that I could have enjoyed my time with those people instead of purely focusing on my weight and how I looked in the clothes I was wearing. I missed out on a wonderful and enjoyable time and instead sat there feeling sorry for myself. Maybe next time…

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