Questioning Life

For my birthday this year my parents gave me 2 tickets to go see Hunter Hayes in concert in Minneapolis! To say that the concert was amazing would be an understatement!! I had such a wonderful day Wednesday with my mom in the cities and seeing the concert and I am so happy that I finally had an overall good day all around. Getting home at 1am Thursday and knowing that I would have to wake up around 6am I knew that today just wasn’t going to be a good day. I ate a whole ton of food while with my mom which I completely regretted today. I ate too much. I didn’t stop myself when I was full. I continually got more food when there was absolutely no need for it. I am ashamed to say the least. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin on a regular basis but then stuff me with food and I feel like I am in a whole different world compared to everyone else. I feel isolated as though it is obvious that I am fat now. I continued to see my body in mirrors to make matters worse as I was trying on clothes in various stores. But the plus? I at least did not let this ruin my present and my night with my mom. Today though I woke up feeling sore and just taking up too much space. Luckily I got to spend the morning with my favorite little girl who was full of smiles and laughter. She can bring a smile to my face through anything:) I also reconnected with a friend who I had drifted away from over the past few months which was really nice. We both agreed that we missed each other greatly and now I can’t wait to see her and catch up soon.

But I knew it wasn’t going to be a good day and after leaving my neighbor’s house it really wasn’t. At dance I was once again surrounded by mirrors to point out to me and everyone around me how much I had eaten yesterday. My leotard fit weird. My stomach looked huge. I was just uncomfortable. And then to have my re-injured right ankle to still be bothering me from Tuesday’s incident was a mood killer in and of itself. I once again found myself sitting out of combinations which I had just started gaining ground on a couple weeks ago. I had finally started to recover from my previous injury and now another set back. Is this a sign? Am I not meant to dance? Is this God’s way of telling me and I am just not taking the hint? It sucks and I’m confused and I don’t know what to do. I thankfully have a physical therapy appointment tomorrow to see if this is anything to be worried about but being in the same position as I was in a few months ago was a huge blow to my self esteem. It just instantly hit me hard and I was really depressed. Throughout class I wasn’t mentally there and once I had to sit out of combinations once again I really took it hard. I thought I would start crying in the middle of class and have to excuse myself from the room. Luckily that didn’t happen but it was still hard to watch and know that I should be able to join in…but I physically could not.

Today was not the best day but that doesn’t mean that tomorrow has to be bad too. Maybe it will be. And if it is maybe Saturday will be a good day. There have to be good days to offset the bad every now and then…right? It’s just so hard when you don’t really know all the time what is causing you to feel the way you do. People ask. You don’t have answers. That’s just how it goes. But how can I get better if I can’t find the answers? I have been referred to an old friend of mine’s mom to contact and look into doing therapy again but I am still unsure if it is truly worth it. Last time therapy was a total flop. Therapy just isn’t how I work. I don’t open up to people in person. Even when I know that an individual truly cares and wants to know the truth I still find myself guarding my heart and lying to make myself sound better off than I am. That’s just how I do things. “Are you okay?” “Yea, I’m fine.” is so much easier than “Are you okay?” “Actually if you want to know the truth I am really depressed and confused. I feel alone. Do I really have good friends? I have friends but are any of them truly going to be there for me through thick and thin? I feel horrible about my body and today I caught myself thinking: ‘I wish I had an eating disorder.’ Who the hell thinks those thoughts? Those are awful awful things to come into my head yet I still feel them. I still don’t understand. I know the hardships I am faced with are so much better than others so why am I so depressed? No, I am not okay…” When people ask you something of the sort most of the time they don’t really care. They just ask to be polite. So I choose to not respond with the truth but take the easy way out instead.

I really have no idea what this post is about but if anyone stumbles across it and makes it to the end thanks for hearing me out tonight

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