Late Night Rambling

Why in the world did I decide to stay in Rochester this year? Like I totally know why I did, but day by day I question it even more. I am sick and tired of this house situation. I hate relying on my parents. I hate my parents nagging me. I hate reapplying for colleges. I hate living in Rochester. I hate not meeting new people. I hate seeing all of the people my old friends have met and made their new friends. I hate being out of contact with so many people. I hate paying for my gas money. I hate sitting around my house. I hate not having anyone to hang out with. I hate this show that we are working on at dance. I hate my ankle. I hate my relationships with the people who could have potentially been my friends here in town still. I hate how I screw everything up. I hate how alone I feel. I hate pretty much everything about this year besides my job. I love my job! But I hate how I have no idea how I am going to survive once we close for the season. What am I going to do with the time I usually spent working? Where am I going to get money to pay for gas and clothes and food? How am I going to make it through the dreadful months of winter without spending time with my coworkers who can always put me in a good mood? The only people who will keep me going are the kids down the street who I can laugh and have a good time with. But when I am depressed going into the mornings I don’t usually enjoy their company quite as much. I am tired and crabby and just want to sleep and get away from everybody. I don’t even have anywhere to ‘get away’ these days. Last year I used my room, but now my parents are always barging in to have discussions which turn quickly into “Let’s bash Ashley about everything that she could possibly be doing wrong at the moment” sessions. Yet somehow they still totally are missing the fact that I have problems. I have issues. They aren’t under the radar anymore but my parents still manage not to notice. I am not myself anymore. Others have noticed, but my parents…yea not so much. They notice every little change in my sister and care about all of her great accomplishments, but they only manage to see how I am ruining their lives by staying in town. It sucks. That is all.

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