I think you can feel depressed at times without actually being depressed. But when you are depressed you will know.
Last night was nothing short of depression. There wasn’t an ounce of feeling it was an entire encompassing being. There was no way to escape it from taking over everything. I realized that my life has no purpose. No point. I realized how many people I have pushed away for the stupid things. Last night was the first night that I finally could see myself leaving everything behind and ending this. I could feel myself giving up as each minute passed. I thought about all of the people I would thank. I thought about what I would say. People continued to pop up in my brain and I would think about how I would tell them that I appreciated their love and support. The images continued to flash across my eyes. I pictured many many different means of ending this life. I would shut my eyes when I thought everything was calm again and something else would come. I don’t even know what some of the things that I saw were, but they were there and I was gone. There were tears and slight screams…but no one was around to hear. I was scared out of my mind.
After about an hour of sitting in my bed, shaking, crying, having thoughts and seeing images, a new person came to mind. It wasn’t my parents. It wasn’t my sister who is away at college. It wasn’t my grandparents who I haven’t seen in over a year. Instead it was the three year old down the street. I pictured his parents having to tell him that he would never see me again. I pictured his little face looking puzzled but sad. I knew I couldn’t do that to him. I couldn’t do that to his parents since they would be the ones who would have to share the news. He is the one who calmed me down. He is the one who stopped those thoughts. He is the one who stopped the images from appearing. He saved my life. And I love him now even more than ever for it.