I seriously hate those moments where everything bothers you. Nothing can make you smile. No one can make your day for more than a millisecond and then you are reminded of why you were feeling so down just a moment ago. All of your emotions come rushing over you as though you are standing underneath a waterfall of them. The tears are on the verge of falling straight down your face, but you hold them back to prevent from showing anyone else what you are going through. It amazes me how quickly these feelings can overcome your entire being. It can happen anytime and anywhere. You thought you were doing better and then ‘Bam!’ everything is going downhill. Nothing seems right.
Recently I have kind of been in a slump with my emotions. It as though I am pissed off at the world without having anyone to be upset with. I have realized that I have like 2 real friends in my life. That’s scary. Really, really scary. I have realized that I have a huge eating problem. HUGE. I have absolutely no idea what to do about it and have no one to talk to to see their opinions of it. I feel like I should go into the doctor but I don’t want my parents knowing I have an issue so I am unsure how this will come about. I have realized that the future scares the crap out of me. I am so scared to make major decisions. I can barely decide what I want for dinner let alone what career I want in 20 years down the road. I have realized that I am an adult and can officially make my own decisions. If I think I need depression medication I can make that decision on my own. My parents don’t need to tell me what I can and can not do anymore. I have realized that I may have some more emotional and scholastic issues than I originally thought*. I have realized that I am a hermit. I stay in my house for so much time each day with little to no communication with other people. I rarely have plans aside from work and dance. I have no opportunity to meet new people and go on new adventures with others. I pretty much have no life. I have lost contact with pretty much everyone from high school.
All of these thoughts and realizations scare me. I have no idea what I am doing with my life and the day to day struggles are proving to be really tough. Some days are better than others, but some days I have absolutely no motivation or drive to succeed and work my hardest to be the best that I can be. I am scared that I am all around worse than I like to pretend. I am more depressed than I like to believe. But does anyone know this? Does anyone care? It surely doesn’t seem like it at times like these…
*I took part in a study at the Mayo Clinic in early August and received the results last night. They have found even more issues with my life than I thought so now have to schedule a follow up appointment to find out more info:/