The Struggle

In one of my older posts I discussed how much I love my job and my coworkers and am usually my happiest when I am with them. This is why today was a really weird day. I went into work at noon with a positive outlook on the day because I knew I would be working with my two favorite and closest coworkers and I haven’t worked in a week so hopefully it would boost my happiness. Instead though I was silent and feeling down and out of it all afternoon. They continually asked me if I was okay and what was wrong. I sadly didn’t have an answer because I have absolutely no idea what hit me. It could have been the fact that I went to bed and woke up with my mom mad at me. Or it could be because everyone is heading off to college now and I am stuck at home doing the same old same old. Or maybe because I am struggling with friends. Or maybe because I have to spend the entire weekend with my family with no escape if things go awry. Or because I am struggling with my body image and I feel fat and out of shape.
The problem though is I have no idea if it’s any of these things, a combination of all of them or maybe something completely different. Today my depression hit me in the face and was unexplainable as usual. It wasn’t that I don’t like working. It wasn’t cause I was bored. It wasn’t merely because I was tired.
I hate feeling like this and I really hate not being able to tell anyone else what is going on. I can’t explain what I am feeling to anyone because I can’t even explain it to myself. I feel bad for leaving them just as confused as I was with it all but I honestly have nothing else to say about it, especially not aloud. I wish that this empty feeling would go away and I could start feeling happy (truly happy) again, but I don’t think it is that easy anymore. I am stuck in a downward motion and will have to find the strength to climb out of it and be on top of and in control of my life again. Hopefully someday soon.

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