Rewinding Time

Just under a year ago I kicked my good habits of eating and exercising out the window. Most people would ask, why? I wish I knew. Recently though I have been trying to put some thought into it. For about 2 years I very rarely would eat any sweets, chips, pizza and other unhealthy foods as well as I would choose not to drink pop. All of my friends severely judged me through this stage and CONSTANTLY questioned my eating habits. I would just explain that I didn’t need those foods and was happy and healthy without them. Last summer I realized that because of these decisions I tended to never eat in front of my friends since most of the foods around when we were together were these unhealthy “obsessions” that teens tend to have. When faced with eating a meal in front of others I tend to eat less than I do with my family and go with healthier options (even to this day). Last summer when I had to eat lunch with a group of dancers for a week straight I ended up adopting a very unhealthy eating pattern. I worried about every single ounce of food that I put in my mouth. I would text my friend at night and ask her if it was worth eating a snack even after I had danced for 7 hours that day. I was being stupid. I was developing habits that if they continued I could have easily gotten very sick. I wasn’t eating and I surely wasn’t thinking. A few weeks of this sort of eating behavior went by before I headed off for a vacation with my mom. This was the moment in my life where everything changed. I went in the complete opposite direction. I ate. And ate. And ate. AND ATE whenever I could while on this trip. I settled down a bit upon returning but throughout the year very rarely cared what I was eating. I cared, but not in the same way as before. I would eat snacky foods in front of friends. I wouldn’t choose not to eat a dessert when given the option. It was very strange for me to be going to the other extreme in terms of food. Since I stopped dancing (December) my eating patterns have worsened if that was even possible. I eat and I don’t exercise. I eat out of boredom. I eat out of frustration. I eat when I’m really depressed. I eat when I’m really anxious. All I ever feel like I’m doing is sneaking food around so others don’t realize how much I have eaten in a given day. I have gained a lot of weight and can see the changes in my body. Every time I look in a mirror I am in pure disgust and know that I want to change it. I feel the fat building on my body and know that it needs to be gone. I just haven’t found the will power to do so. Whenever I indulge drastically I find myself a reason, an excuse, to do so and continue on with it. I feel bad after but thoroughly enjoy the food that is entering my mouth. I am unsure if this is something I need to be looked at for, but at this point I am making myself a promise. I promise to myself that I will start eating healthier again. I want to lose weight. I want to look skinny. I want to feel skinny. I want to be skinny.

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One thought on “Rewinding Time

  1. Pingback: Keep a Food Journal! – How to | Fit and Fab Life!

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