Birthday Blues

Today is the day. I am officially an adult and I have made it to my 18th year of life!

Earlier today I was thinking back on my birthdays. Last year I went to dance for a few hours and then had a surprise party through the night. The year before I was down in Florida for a dance intensive therefore danced all day long, had my door decorated by the RA’s, had a “surprise” party from my 5 closest friends before dinner, went for fro-yo and got to see the Broadway musical “Mamma Mia.” 3 years ago I just got home from an intensive and celebrated all day long with my family. Most of the years previously there were parties thrown by my parents or we celebrated at my grandparents house or something.

This year is different. This year it doesn’t even feel like my birthday. Almost none of my friends even know that today is my birthday which really isn’t helping me have a good day. The ONLY person apart from family who knew prior to this morning that today was my birthday was the friend written about in my post “So Thankful” who I have only known for a few months. She took out all of her afternoon yesterday to have a girl’s day with me in celebration of my birthday. She cared and she wanted me to have a good time. Everyone else could care less. I know that I am weird with dates and such and that I have a really good memory for that sort of thing, but I always try and make my friends feel extra extra special on their birthday. I always try and ask people a few days before what they have planned. Let them know that someone else knows. Maybe that isn’t the common thing to do, but I do and I really wish I had more people in my life who seemed to care in that sense. I know that that sounds needy and selfish, but I miss feeling like I had friends. I miss the sense of love that you get from having close and caring friends. I miss that soo much. Today is the one day where I really wish I didn’t feel like this but I do. I don’t even really feel all that happy that today is my birthday. I miss that feeling of love and compassion. I feel it from my parents and my sister don’t get me wrong, I really can not complain about how special they have made me feel today, but the overall “feeling” you tend to get on a birthday is missing. I’m really not in the same state that I usually am on a day like today…

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