Today was rough. Really really rough. My parents and I got in a huge fight which left me feeling defeated and confused as can be in terms of where I am headed with this life. They are upset with me because they do not see me trying to get back into shape and into dance and they don’t understand why. Me being the person that I am I have no idea how to voice the words in my head on what is holding me back. I am just overwhelmed and have absolutely no idea where to go or what to do right now. I am so regretting my decision to stay in town and take a year off to get back into shape. I don’t really know if I’ll be able to handle home life with my parents for another year. I’m so ready to get away and at this point I can’t cause my decision has already been made :/
To make matters worse today I felt extra alone. My sister and a friend planned to go to Valleyfair (an amusement park about 1.5 hours away from my hometown) on Tuesday and she asked me if I wanted to bring a friend with. I instantly thought of one person who might want to come so asked her. Sadly she has to work. Then I searched through all of my contacts. I only found 1 other person (who is out of town) who I might feel close enough with to ask to come. None of the other 196 phone numbers/people did I feel that I might want to spend the day with. If you had asked me a year ago to find one friend to come with me instead of struggling to find someone I would instead be struggling to narrow down the choices to just one person. Things have changed. My friends have gone. I have lost the connection which I used to have with certain people and that really struck me today. At this point I can count on one hand who I interact with willingly and happily on a somewhat daily basis. Everyone else has just kind of left my life. I may talk with them occasionally, or use the phrase “Let’s hang out this summer” with a few others, but most of that is just fake and a bunch of lies.
I have been on the verge of tears all night with these situations and realizations. And then to make matters worse at my job (I am on day 5 of being officially employed) tonight it was really busy (I work at an ice cream place and the weather was finally gorgeous) and I kept screwing up orders. I would tell the person I was working with something wrong, ring up the order wrong, or just flat out not hear the customer at all. I felt awful and am still feeling really bad for everything that happened tonight. When I woke up this morning I knew that things wouldn’t run smoothly. I just had a feeling. Sadly I was right. I work again tomorrow for 5 hours, but tomorrow is a new day. Things have to turn up at some point in time, and I surely can’t wait until that day comes.