“How many times can I break til I shatter?” The song ‘Shattered’ is playing as I start writing this post which is pretty much perfect cause it is what I am thinking right now.
Today was all sorts of bad. I’m sick for starters which really doesn’t bring about any good news, especially since I’ve been sick for a week and a half now and I am just ready to be better. Also this bad weather and the stress of the end of the year is really putting a fire under my depression. I feel so much worse than I have in a while with my thoughts going where I was hoping they would never go again. Tonight in the shower I was planning my farewell letter and thinking about ways to leave. Would it really matter to anyone if I were gone? No one seems to care now so why would they care after I made the final decisive move? Who would come to say there last goodbye? Would anyone cry? Would people truly be sad, or did they see it coming anyway and wouldn’t be very surprised? These are my thoughts for the night and I really can not answer any of them.
I think that my life and others’ lives may be better if I were to be gone for good finally. I don’t want to put up with this shit anymore, especially when everyone claims that ‘I am doing better’ when I have never said that to anyone. I just think I’m better at faking it then I was before but I’m tired of faking it and I’m kind of ready to go.