Second Thoughts

Today was one of my easiest days in a long time. I slept til noon (granted I didn’t get to sleep til 3 am since there were so many things rushing through my head), finished some things for my grad party and other than that didn’t do much else. The problem with today was that everything I did had consequences in some way to how my mind was racing and how I was feeling despite the fact that it was laid back and smooth sailing.

Tonight my mom asked me to look through a video she had made to play at my party. It was all of my dance videos. Usually this would be fine cause I love reliving old moments and dances and seeing all of the costumes that I’ve had in the past. The problem was that instead of enjoying the little things I was looking at I picked apart myself instead. I was the typical dancer critic noticing every single little flaw that I made and not seeing much improvement over the years as I thought I had made. I use to view myself as one of the top of the classes but now I am having doubts. Where did I ever get these ideas? I’ve been awkward for so long and never left that awkward stage. I never became a good dancer like I once thought. I always had questioned why I never got larger parts in our productions and pieces but now I know why. I was never good. I have never been good. I have definitely never been at the top. So why am I wasting away a year this fall to get back on my feet to be able to dance again?? Why am I putting myself through the terrible times at home for ANOTHER year? Whyyy? I don’t know if it will ever be possible for me to make it into a college program and succeed. I am floppy and my feet look awful and I can’t control my limbs to save my life. How am I supposed to overcome all of this by the time auditions roll around again when I have to still get better in terms of my ankle’s status as well? I am having second thoughts about what I plan on doing with this life and have no one to share this with. I really need to talk to someone and soon cause this is going to tear me apart pretty soon. My future is doomed to say the least and tonight solidified that fact.

Random thought of the night: What if no one comes to my graduation party? I am so scared of that occurring…


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