Today, I have had a lot of time to think. For me thinking can be very good or very bad, but today has been a mix of both. I am surrounded with a lot of situations that are causing me to think as well as free time finally to do that thinking. So this post may come a bit ‘stream of consciousness’ as I go, but I will try and refine it so it makes sense.
So I am like 98% sure that I have social anxiety. I have talked with my therapist about this idea and she somewhat confirmed it without completely diagnosing me. I get super nervous in most social situations which has proved really hard for me in the past. I hate confrontations and I hate trying to explain myself. This sucks and makes me even more jealous of the people around me. When most people are angered by another persons actions or behavior they can go up to them and let them know, me on the other hand, I just bottle everything up and burst when I am alone. This can be good and bad. I feel bad watching and listening to other people get in fights about one thing or another* but it creates this bubble of envy inside of me that wants to escape. I wish I could let people know how I feel about something they did or something that was said, but instead I just get nervous and back down or nod my head while they explain why I was in the wrong. I am currently observing a set of friends completely destroy one another while trying to stay on top of their imaginary ‘food chain’ so to speak. I wish I could do that sometimes. I don’t want to see anyone get hurt and I don’t want to lose more people from my life which is why I never follow through with my thought up actions, but there are moments when I wish I could escape my shell and finally let someone into my heart and my thoughts. I’m scared of being broken and I’m scared of being left behind. The ones I have let in have left me and I don’t want it to happen again any time soon.
Tonight was the second night of the 2 night season 10 premiere of So You Think You Can Dance. This show has been a part of my life for a few years now and has really changed how I feel about dance. When I first started watching SYTYCD I would dream every day that I could one day be on this show. I wanted to compete up there for the title of “America’s Favorite Dancer” so badly and I wouldn’t give it up. Until the day that I told what had been my best friend and she responded snarkily with: “You really think that you could do well on there?” Clearly this did not go over well for my self esteem, but as previously mentioned I lacked the guts to stick up for myself. My dreams were then crushed and now have doubted myself since. (This isn’t to say that I hadn’t doubted my dancing before that point. I’ve always doubted my dancing, but this just solidified the doubt of my dreams becoming reality any time soon). I have given up on this dream. I haven’t once thought since that day that I even want to think about auditioning. My views of myself as a dancer have plummeted over the last couple years and my injury isn’t helping one bit. I’m sick and tired of being put on the bottom of the list in terms of dance. I get the worst roles and am just viewed as incapable. I wish I knew how someone truly viewed my dancing because I am always told by my peers and teachers that I am good, they can see my passion, my technique is above most of the studio, so I don’t understand why I am still ranked last. In everything. Today I got the news for the second time (hopefully it is true this time around) that I can start returning back to dance slowly but surely. I don’t know if I want to anymore. I am scared. I am terrified truth be told because now I will be even worse than I was before. I was already the worst in my classes so now where does this put me? I have been off for just over 5 months now and am scared to death. Of course I haven’t expressed this concern to anyone though cause I don’t know how to. I still have my dreams of going off to college in fall of 2014 (after a one year deferment) to major in dance. But I don’t think anyone understands how hard it is to hear everyone ask me the 2 questions which kill me each time: 1) What if your injury never heals? 2) What if you don’t get into the dance program? I could cry in front of every single person that has asked me one or both of these if I had the courage to do so, but instead brush it off and tell them “Well, I guess I wasted a year of my life then hoping for recovery and success.” It breaks me down. It shatters my dreams. But no one knows that. No one sees what they’re doing to me. I need to find the personal strength once again to stand up and face the world as I did before. I am stronger than I think but I just need a reminder. Everything happens in this world for a reason. I need to find my reason and rekindle the fire underneath my hopes, dreams and aspirations.
I am StrongTilTheEnd and you are too <3
*Today I was tutoring at a middle school and I asked a girl how her day was. She responded with “It was good, except I got in a fight with my friend 7th hour.” Of course I was concerned and made sure everything was okay but in the back of my mind all I was thinking of was how jealous I was of her. How she could explain herself through her words. How she didn’t let something that happened phase her even a couple hours later. She dealt with the problem at the moment that it occurred instead of hoping that it would work itself out later on. I. Just. Want. This.