Mixed Emotions

So here we are: approaching the end of senior year, prom is this coming weekend, grad parties start in full swing right around the corner and before we know it summer will be here and the final days with some of these people will be hitting us all. Everyone has hit that point where they are officially done with school. The weather is nice (finally!) and no one has the motivation to work hard. Most teachers have even given up at this point by providing us movies to watch and free days a few times a week. The end of my senior year is nothing like I would have ever imagined, but recently a few good things have happened as well as a few not so good, but they will all become memories soon.

The other night after attending the dance performance that I was so excited for I listened to all of the people around me making plans to go for ice cream or go hang out with other friends and I was just kind of in the background. Then one of my friends came up to me and asked me to hang out. This was a huge shocker to me because this was the first time in probably about a month that anyone has asked me to do something with them. I tend to hear about social events after they have occurred instead of being involved with them so of course I jumped on this opportunity to spend time with a friend. We ended up “just” talking in her car for a few hours in the community college parking lot, but it was quite honestly one of the best nights I have had in such a long time. She cared, she listened and she wanted to know what was going on in my life. I have never actually told anyone some of the stuff that I told her but it felt amazing to get it off my chest. I haven’t actually talked to anyone about what’s been going on for at least a month if not longer at this point so it was a night to remember. She is a friend who I haven’t been close to long, we’ve been through some rough times in the past, but she cared. She talked about what she’s been dealing with as well so I got to play the role as ‘listener’ just like I tend to enjoy, but for the first time in a long time I finally talked and opened up to someone who I knew wouldn’t be judging me. It was great and completely unexpected.

So as I previously mentioned prom is this Saturday. For me prom brings mixed emotions and opinions in and of itself. I have never been much of a school dance person (I have actually never been to a high school dance) so not attending prom isn’t that big of a deal for me, it’s just the fact that I feel unwanted that strikes me. I told myself a while back that I would only attend prom if I got asked, and since I figured I wouldn’t get asked I had convinced myself that I would not be going. A ton of people have asked me time and time again why I don’t just go alone cause ‘plenty of people do it’ but I just don’t see it as being fun. A group of my friends are going dateless and it’s not that I have anything against it necessarily but I do not see the fun in spending all of that money to hang out with friends in a large social setting when you could do the same thing not at prom as well. Also while talking with one of my guy friends the other day he described the fact that the girls who go alone end up dancing with each other ‘fucked up’ and I would rather not be associated with this crowd. Instead I would rather be seen as having no social life I guess and being an unwanted individual at my high school. This hits me hard cause I wish that there were someone who would want to go with me, but I have backed away from my previous life and therefore my previous friends and I just have to hope that everyone who goes enjoys themselves and it will be a night for them to remember.

Yesterday I texted the guy whom I have been struggling with in terms of seeing a friendship anymore, but our conversation solidified the fact that yes, we are friends again. Right off the bat he was asking about my life and I was asking about his. We were having the same friendly conversations that we had been having just under a year ago, and it felt amazing. He cared about me again and we sort of were able to finally put the past behind us. I know that I screwed up what we had had and I know that I have apologized time and time again and finally I think that he has accepted that and we have moved on. It is such a great feeling and truthfully yesterday he made me happy, truly happy, for the first time in ages. It was wonderful!

The end of senior year has come with its ups and downs but finally some of the good things have impacted me in a healthy way. I would not say that I am anywhere near a better place in terms of my mental state but at least every now and then good things can occur and a light can be added to my situation. I am still really missing all of the friends that I have lost recently and am really struggling in terms of parental communication, but every now and then good things do occur and hopefully those feelings can last for at least a short bit of time. I am still waiting for the day that I can call my old friends up and talk with them about things again, but for now I will just cherish the good times when they do come. If someone wanted to text me first for once I mean that would kind of make my night but when I know that that doesn’t happen I know to push the hope aside and just move on. I hope that this summer brings me some opportunities to hang out with friends and feel wanted again but I guess we will just have to wait and see…

“I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, LIFE DOES GO ON, and it will be BETTER TOMORROW…”

I am StrongTilTheEnd and you are too <3

I don’t really know what this post is truly about, but I guess it’s just a recap on some of the things happening in my life, pretty random but life happens!

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