Sometimes the easiest things to let go of are those that mean the most to you.
People may read something like that and think ‘man, this girl has no clue what she’s talking about’, but I truly believe that previous statement. This is because what means the most to you is also the quickest to return to your life if it really meant something to begin with. The things closest to your heart are the things that you can not imagine living your life without. These things, whether they be people, experiences, places or anything really, will put a hole in your life when they’re gone. But this doesn’t mean that you can’t go and mend the hole. It just may take time. A lot of it in some cases.
I am finding, that with my recent situation I am very irritable. I jump to conclusions too quickly and just get upset about generally stupid things that I shouldn’t even be wasting my time thinking about let alone getting worked up about. Knowing this though hasn’t stopped me from doing it. I have lost a lot of close friends recently and those who have stayed by my side through all of it are starting to disappear as well. This isn’t because of them. It is not their actions. It’s because of me. Whenever something happens that I am not fond of I quickly get upset and try (yes I TRY) to block these people out of life. I take the shortcut; the easy way out wherever possible. This though is proving me a great deal of hardship and sadness. I find myself crying even more now due to my actions and emotions building from something so miniscule to begin with. This happened today. This happened on Monday. This happened a few weeks ago. When I’ve been lucky I have been able to save the friendship. Come to an apology quickly and hope that they truly forgive me. But this time, I am unsure if it is going to be quite as easy. This girl means the world to me. She has been there for me when absolutely no one else is there for me to turn to. She knows absolutely everything that has happened to me in the past few months even though we have only known each other for just over a year. She has helped me through so many tough decisions and just gives the best advice. But I screwed up. I am unhappy with my decisions and accusations but in this day and age there is still no way for me to reverse time and stop myself from making those mistakes. I got angry and I ran with my emotions. I ran too fast and too hard though and now regret taking the first step. I should have waited at the starting line thinking about my options first.
I truly don’t know where I would be, if I would be, if she hadn’t come into my life. I can’t imagine moving on without her, but I can’t undo what has already been done. I must figure out a solution to this problem to hope that she can return to my life. I have become selfish. Everything I do is about me. I have to stop with this. I have to preserve the friendships that I do have at this pivotal moment in my life. I may have it bad, but I could have it so much worse. I need to be the friend to others as they have been for me. I need to put myself out there and do what I have been unwilling to do in the past. I need to recover from everything. The diagnosis should be the least of my worries right now. Instead I need to focus on rebuilding the life that I had once had. The friendships that I had once held onto so dear. I used to be a good friend. The friend that everyone would come to when they needed someone. But now, I have just gone back into the shadows. I have isolated myself and my feelings. I try and let people know how much they mean to me, but I think the only way for me to redeem this this time will be to find a way to show it. To find a way to prove that I want this back. I want this friendship in my life. I want this friend by my side. Not for me, but for us. For us to hold each other up as each of us are falling down. For both of us to have someone to go to when the going gets tough. Life isn’t easy. We all need that one friend who is truly our best friend. Or at least one of our best friends who we know we can always turn to, no matter what the situation.
I wish I could take back what I did earlier today. But instead it is going to teach me how to act in the future. I must learn from my mistakes and prevent them from occurring again. I can look at this as a set back in my life or an opportunity for growth in the future, of both me and our friendship. I still don’t know how to rekindle the flame holding our friendship together, but I will find a way. I need to find a way.
“Obstacles can’t stop you. Problems can’t stop you. Most of all, other people can’t stop you. Only you can stop you.”
-I am StrongTilTheEnd and you are too <3